Cardio Machine Hierarchy

9 machines, ranked

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In Friday’s Gear Not Stuff post, I wrote:

I feel the same way about most cardio machines as I do about dental exams: they’re necessary, but mostly miserable and something we endure for our health rather than enjoy.

That led to a post about my new favorite cardio machine—our first Gear Not Stuff that focused on a single item.

Today, because it’s winter and many of us are stuck inside, we’re going to zoom out and rank cardio machines more broadly.

These machines get a bad rap—often deserved! They can be boring, repetitive, and disconnected from how humans actually evolved to move.

But they also work. They improve our physical and mental health, build endurance, and make cardio possible when trails and sidewalks are iced over. Some even stress our bodies in truly beneficial ways that outdoor cardio can’t.

The catch: Not all cardio machines are created equal.

Some help us reach our goals faster and better than others—and carry over into the real world in ways that help us live better and longer.

Other machines are fine, but only in specific circumstances.

Below you’ll find a hierarchy of cardio machines. I’ve separated them into three tiers:

• Elite cardio machines: These machines offer maximum carryover to the real world or give you a new and beneficial stimulus, forcing you to move in ways that build functional strength and a massive engine without destroying your joints.

• Good cardio machines: Decent tools that serve specific training needs, but often come with a steeper learning curve or a higher risk of specific overuse injuries.

• OK cardio machines: Good under the right circumstances, but generally inferior to the great outdoors. These are your “break glass in case of emergency” options.

For each machine, I’ll cover:

• The specific physiological adaptation it forces and who needs it most (best machine for your goals).

• The downsides, risks, or annoyances you need to know about.

• A specific, testable workout to get the best benefits the machine offers.

The result: You’ll know which cardio machines to choose for your goals and have the tools to get more from your cardio while also hating it less.

Let’s roll …

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