How to Build the Capacity to Be Alone

Being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing. Here's how to leverage the power of solitude.

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All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone. -Blaise Pascal, Pensées, 1654

On Monday, we covered 1,000 ways modern comfort has hurt human connection. It’s not just phones disconnecting us—it’s how we’ve structured society over the last ~100 years. Read the list here.

We also rattled off stats on loneliness and health. Here’s one more: Scientists at Brigham Young University found¹ that it doesn’t matter how old you are or how much money you have. Being lonely increases your risk of dying in the next seven years by 26 percent. Overall, they estimated that it can shorten life by 15 years. That’s roughly equivalent to smoking half a pack of cigarettes a day.

Meanwhile, an 80-year Harvard study found that good relationships are a key ingredient to happiness across your lifespan. They beat fortune and fame.

But here’s the thing: being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing.

There’s a big difference between loneliness and solitude. Loneliness is wanting connection but not having it. Solitude is being alone, often by choice, and using it for reflection, creativity, and better wellbeing.

Problem is, we generally suck at solitude because it’s uncomfortable. Even when we’re alone, we’re often “with” others through TV, podcasts, and social media.

One University of Virginia study² found that being alone is so uncomfortable that a quarter of women and two-thirds of men chose to shock themselves rather than be alone with their thoughts. Imagine that.

“You can either sit here without me in the room,” said the researcher, “or I’ll stand here with you, but you have to press this red button that sends high levels of electric voltage through your veins.” And the participants responded with … “hmmm, why don’t you stay put and I’ll just …” ZAP.

But a growing field of researchers believes that embracing solitude may be just as important as forging good relationships. They call it “the capacity to be alone.”

Today, we’re covering the science.

In today’s post, you’ll learn

• The profound biological difference between feeling lonely and being in solitude.

• Why building the capacity to be alone might be equally (if not more) important than connection.

• How to balance solitude and time with others.

• How to achieve the toughness-boosting mental state of “soft fascination.”

• Eight research-backed ways to leverage the power of solitude.

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